He drove me crazy, while he was apologizing infinitely I was dealing with a storm of tangled, violent feelings, that were burning and destroying me internally, FUCK!!!
I could barely stand still, I looked at the pixels on the screen and swore if I saw his face I would do everything to distort it beyond comprehension and facial recognition - this without any aggression, I was confused and still am. While he was taking responsibility, I was boosting his ego, I didn't do anything I did on purpose, but, deep in my mind I had the voice of reason, that pulled me out of depression and schizophrenia, that pulled me out of the darkness, that same voice warned me that I was wrong about all that, it didn't give more information, I should stop.
That voice of reason deactivated my feelings for 5 consecutive hours, while I was still reading and writing messages on Instagram. Sent and received by me and him and emojis without eyebrows in the middle. I clarified that I didn't feel anything, I felt everything, but silenced, I had the void, but a heavy void. My body warned me to stop, a suicidal game that would condemn me to be addicted to something I didn't see because I didn't say. I'm scared. I was feeding his pleasure, his love, using him, playing with him, just like I did with another boy with the same messaging method, we were and continue to be intimate... why am I like this? Everything I touch intimately is destroyed, if that thing doesn't replenish itself.
The boy got treatment, we still talk, but in moderation, The new one? He had traumas, syndromes that didn't affect me, a past with an open seam line, easy to grab and tear, I thought it was destiny that brought us together, him swearing, me ignoring. After all, destiny brought us together, he fell in love and I.. I played his game, mirrored and painted the picture he painted of me with emotions I felt DISGUST, DISGUST ANGER AND DESPAIR. I hate love. But I like its art, it's not for me. I don't want to feel this way.. But how do I know if I have this emotion if I'm not sure if it's mirrored or really felt. Developed by me, shared with him. Deep down, I don't want anything to do with him, I played a dirty game, an unfair game, I played the perfect person card before playing the "I'm not ready to move forward" and now I can't play that same card when he.
He fell in love. I'm in a dilemma where if I feel the same, I'll hate myself and love him. If I hate him, I'll make the same mistake I made with that boy years ago, but much worse, he has trauma, I have secrets, he lost the shine of optimism, I use optimism as a shield, he throws himself into a hole without logic, just for feeling, and me? I just watch a possible suicide. Guilty of a crime never committed, I owe him an apology, I don't owe him feelings I never had. Too good to be true, he asked me for photos, I sent them to him, while holding a 2-sided emotional knife, the voice of reason keeps its name. I destroy him as soon as I said.. I said who I would like to be, but never was. And there was more. The legal identity that didn't match, he would eventually find out by accident, through other people, through a certain attention-seeker-so-makes-up-lies or after the meeting at the end of that day... I would kill him inside.
I would do the same thing a relationship would do "destroy to rebuild" , because I'm optimistic that he will see me with the same eyes and with the same absence of shine that I had lied he would have. Lies, but I was being sincere to myself and to him, just this once. I still have hope. Through him, I discovered myself, I discovered who I was, how I acted, an unintentional transparent experience. He was a mirror for myself... I was disgusting, not physically, emotionally a mess, mentally an incurable patient, spiritually a PIECE OF SHIT STUPID, on the outside.. human, nothing more, I hated physical parts of me, it comes from nature, the nature that I can accept, but by choice I want to change.
I was human and I continue to be, a piece of shit stupid if I were any other living being... except for jellyfish, they're good, they do what humans could never do: nothing (just in the sense of the absence of thought and rationality). I was the most toxic human I've ever met. I blame myself, such a thing is a gift, I saw the most impure part of me, all at once. In conclusion, too late. I'm dealing with a pre-dead person. Whether I do something or nothing, whether I tell the truth or a lie. I'm dealing with myself. I'll never be able to be free in the same way again. Biggest punishment. There is no solution, death for both of us! Yupii, see you in the next life. Me? I'm confusing, I'm simple, I'm logical, I'm illogical. I'm a patient, a stupid, toxic person who destroys everything she touches.
Society listen to this: who are you (I already know the answer), who do you think you are to change me (rhetorical), where are the people... Where are the souls whose absence made you toxic?
— The End —