I found myself once again in a hotel, lying on a bed, at the top of the city that sparkled at night, I only heard very delicate sounds of cars on a highway echoing through the large space of the room, I turned off the lights — I didn't need them, I only had a well-kept bathroom right there, a bed right on the other side of the wall (soft), a balcony on the next wall to the right side of the bed, that balcony covered with unmarked tiles and glass panels as support, a little smoke would fit well there, I'm not a smoker.
The television blinked and showed standby, the neighbors were watching a movie in the other room, muffled, but I could tell it was action from the loud and detailed noise of walls being torn down with screams.
What was I doing there? I was escaping, escaping from something that only I knew, a feeling of coming home and having no one there for me, only for each one. I lit candles on cakes with strawberry frosting occasionally just for me, I bought jewelry just for me, I watched movies just for me, I celebrated and danced alone — just for me. I was my own person, I couldn't stand relationships, I couldn't stand people who only knew my old-self and judged my new-self as if I had replaced one jewel with another identical and fake one, those looks didn't fit me well.
I was my own girlfriend, this reminded me of the promises (the few) that I made to myself, I was the person I committed to the most, I gave myself the most affection, smiled and cried the most. A person of few promises keeping her word.
I was 16 years old and thought about one thing: I want a relationship, I want to commit to someone, I want to love, hug and have someone there to support me, pamper me, cherish and respect me. Deep down, I was full of nothing, I had nothing to give to that person, I spent so much time inventing something, something that would bring me together with that someone, I even wrote a letter, I started making my own prayer (without religion), preparing myself mentally.
But, deep down — It was just me and myself, I was the one who knew me, I was the one who supported me the most, I was the one who loved me the most and I continue to be — I always will be! So what I always said about "I'm not compatible with relationships" is true, I never dated for more than 1 year, I never put up with the same shoes in a relationship because I change too fast, I change too slow, no one is prepared for my pace, no one can share the same table as me or ride the same roller coasters as me.
Deep down, just me and me. Now yes, it makes me want to smoke on that balcony I mentioned at the beginning, but to remain more years on this planet (not guaranteed), I avoided it. I limited myself to just going to the nearest convenience store, I shared smiles with the young worker, I returned to the hotel, I guided myself to my apartment by the sound of drama/action happening in my neighbors' room and I went in to drink my peach iced-tea.
Looking at the city at night, one building at a time, breathing deeply and finally convincing myself to sleep, to spend another day, without hurry.
— The End —