I know what I want. I don't want him, I don't want her. I don't know what I need, but I know what I want. Things I didn't know I needed until today, I miss things that never happened, and deep down, it's the dysphoria, the damn dysphoria that's bothering me. I blame destiny, I can't take responsibility, it happened and I couldn't avoid it. Maybe I was too free, too nice, too casual, too shy, too mysterious, too much of a liar, too perfect for him.
I guarantee I'm not like that, I'm as wild as the fucking destiny that brought us together in the first place. I'm not yours, I'm not mine, I'm nobody's! I'm supposed to open my arms to the world, to everyone, to everything... I cut one wire with another, I cut one pair of scissors with another, I broke one piece of glass with a broken piece of another. I lost control. I was toxic to myself, I was toxic to others, I was toxic to the rest. If you have a task and valid logic, I'll do it, my valid isn't your valid, deal with it. My echo no longer screams back, a direct attack on the core, I went down and the door didn't deserve to be opened, fuck the world, I love the world, I became toxic. Destiny? Sounds like an excuse, you traitor.
I trusted you my whole life, I loved every challenge you gave me to grow as a person, they weren't easy, but your humble self wants to end my beautiful life. Stop making excuses, stop assuming who I am inside, you'll never know if you don't ask. I've changed, reflected, fallen in love and broken up with myself 16 times, the same number of times I've changed colors, changed my profile picture, changed my music style, changed my well-kept habits, changed my well-slept hours. I felt disgusted, I changed more than I could ever imagine. He can't see me as I see myself, a broken mirror that reflects, but protects. I said I couldn't maintain a relationship, I'll say it again: "I'm not compatible with others". Am I being too demanding? I don't want your 100%, I want our 50%. We're different, we do different things, we talk differently, we don't agree just to agree, to avoid hurting someone, to stimulate a wound, to ignore a trauma, the charm of a relationship is to differ, to disagree, to have opinions, to destroy and rebuild until the perfect connection.
"You'll never leave me?"
I said: "Nothing lasts forever"
"Was I the only one?"
I said: "Until today, yes, I hope to share my self with more people, it's not betrayal because I never broke the promise, just the initial trust".
"Exclusivity?"
I said: "You had something exclusive, it doesn't mean that thing has any value. I totally hate exclusivity. It's disgusting and makes me angry".
"What do you mean?"
I said: "I couldn't explain it better right now, now it's my turn to ask... HOW DO YOU NOT GET IT?"
"Why?"
I said: "IT'S MY LOGIC, IT'S MY DECISION, IT'S WHAT I FEEL, IT'S WHAT I AM, IT'S WHAT HAPPENED, IT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING, IT'S WHAT WILL INEVITABLY HAPPEN. Do you want me to explain it again more passively or are you going to accept my answer on purpose just so you don't see me react in a specific way, so you don't talk to me about this subject anymore or... Forget it".
"I'm sorry"
"I... I couldn't be more disconnected from that. You can't see me getting upset, bothered, complaining, grumbling, scolding. That's because I'm not and I never will be in this case. That's a beautiful word, completely necessary in our nature. But it's abuse, strong abuse. And I hate it being used in any context where you feel minimally guilty for something you have no control over, something you're not to blame for, something that isn't you. It's like ordering a pizza, getting the price and apologizing to the guy who made it because it's too expensive... stupid concept".
"I love you"
"I... okay, I accept, let's move on to the next feeling, I don't want to feel what I just felt for you again. I don't know what it is, but it hurts me. It's good... it feels good, but it hurts me, I hate it".
I don't want to be his, I don't want to be mine, I don't want to be anyone's. I am free.
— The End —